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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.